Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy, in case you hadn’t heard. How dare she remove those ticking time bombs from her chest, amiright? Like, hasn’t she learned by now that her body is public domain and we all get to vote on what she does with it? Sheesh, how selfish can ya get.
I like my doctor. I’ve been going to her since I was five, and I’ve never felt like I needed to see anyone else. She’s my one stop shop and a dying breed of practitioner who specializes in all around general care. I grew up with her kids and have always appreciated her brand of mother/doctor advice. I’ve never been bothered by anything she has said to me—until today.
I don’t think it is any big secret that I struggle with anxiety and mild depression. I don’t talk about it very often because I know so many people who have much worse cases than I do, but at the same time I have tried over the last ten years to find ways to keep from waking up in a panic at night, or crying at the drop of the hat during the day. It is not pleasant, but I know it could be much worse. Since starting graduate school, my stress levels have sky rocketed and there have been more and more days where it was just about all I could do to make it through the day with out losing it. Add this to living in a new state and my best friends being places where they are not easily accessible and it has just been really hard. I know I am lonely, but I feel like my feelings of being miserable for no reason are more than just that.
I mentioned to my doctor today that I had been going through these bouts and her response floored me. “I think for a lot of people your age, you see lots of people with a significant other, and when you don’t have them, it makes you feel sad. Some times you just need to have faith that this is God’s plan and you will get through it.” Sooooo, if I understand you correctly, having a boyfriend would magically solve all of my problems?! God’s plan is to have me be miserable for months at a time?!
I called my mom and told her about my appointment when I got out of the waiting room and she said something of a similar vein. “When I was your age, things were much more settled. I would get a job where ever your father got a job and it wasn’t this…well, I’ll get a job somewhere and dosomething. I knew what I was going to do and that was fine.”
Both my mom and my doctor are women of a similar age and are from a very different time. It just blows my mind that they think basing my happiness on another person is a legitimate answer. I reject that outright. My happiness is my responsibility. My emotional well being is my responsibility. If I think something is broken, I try to fix it (hence seeing a doctor about it.) Frankly, I think having a serious boyfriend right now would make me MORE unhappy. Why would I want to be tied down right now? In May, I can move anywhere, do anything. If I had to wait and see where my husband got a job, I would be much more limited.
To be fair, my doctor did ask me if I wanted a prescription for antidepressants and I said no. I think the indignation is going to be enough to keep me going for awhile.
Sometimes you just need to yell into the void.
My brain is mush right now. I have so much to do that I am not doing and it’s going to bite me in the ass. I can tell when I am tired and stressed out that I just don’t think the same way. It’s like being drunk or high. Things just blur together. I brown out.
I decided not to use the ring this month because I couldn’t really afford it and I wasn’t going to be using it any way. Ugh. Bad mistake yo. I forgot how I am INSANE when I don’t chemically neuter myself. It’s terrible. I feel awful all the time. And most of it is because when I like my hormones run amok I care way too much about everything.
Frankly, not a good month to be uber aware of everyone else. Last Friday was some what of a disaster. Now I feel like dynamics have changed and I just want to go back to being a robot. Feeling nothing is better than feeling sad, lonely, and constantly worrying all the time.